Something You Might Not Expect to Hear From Me

“I hate you! You don’t want me to be part of this family!”

These are the words my four year old would shout at me during one of his freak outs.

If I’m being totally honest, the kid has been my most challenging child since day one when he arrived 8 weeks early. He has opinions, and he makes them known. Sometimes it feels like walking on egg shells, that are sprinkled over a bomb, that will explode at any moment whether you’ve moved or not. It’s draining and exhausting, but we were used to it. It was our normal.

And then we made the very regrettable decision to take a family vacation. Where are all my “vacation with kids is just a trip” people at? Because, you nailed it!

After vacation this summer, the behavior became unbearable. Unmanageable. No one was happy. My husband and I thought about so many things we needed to work on with him. We thought about doing some therapy, getting him evaluated for OCD or anxiety, even the possibility that he could be on the spectrum crossed our minds. There were so many ideas and conversations centered around how we could help him to change this behavior.

I gained a lot of tips and helpful similar stories from you guys, and as I sifted through each message, I put together a list of things we needed to do. I’ve listed them below, and hope that they will help you as they’ve helped me.

It wasn’t until I began to share this difficult part of my motherhood journey with you guys, that it hit me.

HE wasn’t the one that needed to change. WE were.

It was so obvious all of a sudden. He’s not acting a certain way. He’s REACTING. To the word “no”, yes of course. But to everything. And he couldn’t tell us. So we stopped trying to listen for some instructions that were never going to come from him.

It did get worse at first, as some of you warned me. Sunday was really hard. Even with trying to be kind and gentle and present, he was still upset. Even worse. It was almost like he didn’t believe us. He didn’t trust that this is how we would be long term: like he thought we were tricking him. But we kept with it. We spent 45 minutes being kind when he refused to go to bed.

One thing that I learned is that each change built on itself. It was almost like we regained some trust. I think he was feeling the weight of how busy I am. And was feeling like he wasn’t important. As a person who has had anxiety since she can remember, it breaks my heart to see him struggling. And I don’t want him to grow up and still have it unresolved at 32 like me. What’s worse, is as we connected more over several days of consistent parenting, he seemed to brighten up. He would start to freak out and then smile back at me instead. Because I wasn’t just sending him away or taking something away. I was right there, in the feelings with him.

So here’s something you might not be expecting to hear from me; I wasn’t expecting to hear this from me, either. But here it is: sometimes, we really can do better. Yes. I said it. I know I’m all about telling you that bad days happen and we should never feel bad and we are doing the best we can. But if I’m digging deep and being completely, brutally honest with myself, I really could have been doing better over the last year of transition. I’m not beating myself up. But I do kind of feel stupid after seeing how much change can happen if I just put my phone down, cancel my plans, and focus 100% on my child for an entire week. I didn’t even know I wasn’t focusing on him. Because it wasn’t like I was ignoring him. It’s just that there never seemed to be enough moments in the day to give everyone what they needed from me. I also didn’t think it would be possible to resolve. And so I had given up. I loved him as fiercely as I could, while feeling completely baffled by him. I am starting to understand him a little bit more.

So, you’re probably thinking “duh.” Just pay more attention to your kids. But it’s not that simple. It’s a FULL TIME job helping another human being manage their emotions and feel safe and loved, and never ever lose control or yell. Multiply that times 3, and it’s 3 full time jobs. It’s easy to just say “hey I’m not dealing with you kicking me today, go to your room until you’ve calmed down.” It’s much harder to experience the feelings with them while you let go of your own.

I’m not saying he’s turned into a little angel. Not everything that was challenging for us was my fault. Some people are just born with an opinion. I’m one of them, I should know. There’s always going to be a morning where giving him a juice box even though I said no is just the right move.

But we are connecting. We are building this nest of trust that I didn’t even know was missing.

So if you’re feeling any type of way about your parenting abilities, just know we can ALWAYS learn something new. We’re never experts. We’re all just figuring this shit out as we go. And I’m here for you.

Tips:

1.) Give your absolute best, most attentive parenting in the morning. Start the day as friends. This was the most difficult step for me, as the mornings are unavoidably chaotic. But it really made a difference. It’s basically like how getting through that one terrible toothbrushing meltdown will impact your entire day. I’m not trying to be dramatic, but like don’t fuck that up.

2.) Set expectations often and early. In advance ("We’re turning the TV off in 10 minutes") and then follow up several times. The follow up is the key. One time telling is NOT ENOUGH. Follow up. Tell them the time it’s happening. Let it go past a few minutes. EARN IT.

3.) Timers. Let him set the timer and then let him turn it off when he hears it. (I heard Alexa giving instructions is good too).

Give him choices (meat loaf or chicken for dinner?)

4.) Let him do something that he isn’t currently allowed to do. We gave up nap. Bc it was honestly just a shit show every day and the 2 hours of peace wasn’t worth it. He can watch a movie instead. And we actually bond a little bit. Yes it’s a little harder for me. But he’s happier. And I do need to give up that piece in order to give him some more peace sometimes.

5.) Include him in something grown up and special (we made dinner together during the nap that I let him give up 3 days in a row, and I actually let him help without caring about the mess.) the first dinner was meatloaf, and I legit let him do everything except dice the onions (I’m not a monster). He got to crack the egg, he got to “mash the brains” of raw ground beef (believe me, it pained me to let him do this, but I thoroughly scrubbed those tiny fingers after and it MADE HIS FREAKIN DAY.)

6.) Avoid rushing. Be late. It’s not the end of the world. Rushing is the number one time that would end in tears. We did not rush for the third day of preschool. I let him lie on the floor crying bc dad left for work early. We just got through it.

7.) This is a twofer. It’s that A.) not every disregard for the rule is his fault and his fault alone. And B.) Not every mess-up needs to be a disciplining moment. Some of them can actually be the opposite, like teach confidence or show support.

Yes, he ran across the street with his brother to the bus stop. Normally I would flip out. “You never cross the street without me! You could have gotten hurt!” And it’s true. He should 100% never do that. But telling him does not in fact make him not do things. It just makes me yell and him feel called out. Instead I smiled and said something vague. I don’t even remember. I was embarrassed in front of the neighbors (who thankfully were there). And when we got home I said “Wow are you ready to learn how to cross the street? Let’s go practice looking both ways.” I wouldn’t say I picked a battle here. I avoided a battle. Hopefully he won’t cross the street. But like WHERE WAS I? It’s my fault he did that just as much as his. And that’s something I need to remember.

8.) Lastly, I’m most proud of figuring this one out bc it’s so random. But it’s powerful. Stop saying “what’s wrong?” Every time they cry or get frustrated and you don’t know why. Bc guess what? They don’t always know why either. And that might trigger them even more bc they can’t explain it to you. I haven’t mastered the replacement term, but something along the lines of “here I’ll look!” Or just being right there with them at their level, ready to take on the problem.

9.) Whoops one more. NEVER say “okay we will do that but you need to calm down!” Never say “You need to” do anything during a freak out. They can’t handle the pressure of being told they need to do something that they can’t. Instead: during a big meltdown after soccer when he didn’t want to take his shower, we started talking about the different bread options for his butter bread. He has started to kind of chill bc we were like, talking bread details (who TF doesn’t love talking about bread?) and then we fucked up. “Okay we will go get that for you as soon as you show you’ve calmed down!” Ensue full blown melt again.

I’m still me. I’m still the mom that cannot tolerate playing on the floor, will sometimes make you eat the dinner I made you and switch it up the next day and let you be picky. I’m not always consistent and I sometimes get upset with everyone else when things are too cluttered. I’m still a mom who is going to lose it once in awhile. But I’m just now acutely aware of how much better it is when I don’t.