The Cost of Self Care

I’m sitting in the bath. I love baths. But I rarely take them. It’s not convenient. We don’t have a master bathroom, and the “nice” tub is right outside the kid’s bedroom door. So it’s not super ideal to go bathe after bed time bc risking them not going to sleep is NEVER FUCKING WORTH IT. But… I have my period. And my cramps have been way way worse since I stopped taking the pill (many other aspects of my life have improved so it was the right choice, but the cramps have def been the negative). But I said fuck it. I needed the heat and the water. And it made me realize that almost every luxury I allow myself comes with a hefty price tag. And not in dollars. Sometimes dollars, but there are so many other costs I consider.

I always weigh the cost of every thing I do for myself: Having time off means planning, it means not being there, it means the house will probably be extra messy, it means I’ll probably spend

money I don’t need to spend, it means I’ll owe time off for my husband so it’s “even”, it means I’ll feel like I used a favor from one of the grandmas even though they do love to have the kids. And on and on and on.

Ordering take out to avoid the dinner shit-show means spending money we don’t need to spend and also means we need to make up for this unhealthy meal tomorrow with an extra healthy kids dinner.

Having a glass of wine means I might not be super mom in the morning. Staying up late and watching a movie bc I just really need some adult time means I’ll be tired and probably not as patient tomorrow.

Exercising means I’ll need sully to watch tv bc otherwise I won’t be able to run on the treadmill and also keep him safe.

Going back to work part-time means my kids won’t have a consistent daily schedule and life might be a bit chaotic for them.

Going on a girls trip means I’ll get home to a disaster of a house, my anxiety will be through the roof, and I’ll feel guilty for a few days because my kids will have begged to come with me before I left.

The bigger the “self care” the bigger the cost on everyone else, yet also on me. I always factor in the costs. And it always means I take time for myself less. Because sometimes I don’t think the cost is worth it. And ultimately, I just don’t want to make the wrong choice.

My husband told me a good way to decide if something is the right decision is to ponder if it’ll keep you up at night. He was talking about financial decisions. Because that’s his job. But I literally do that in real life with my own time. I ask myself if it’ll keep me up at night. And the answer is yes a lot more often than it’s no.

Do dads ever do this? I know my husband does not. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s a chill libra (yes- I’m obsessed with horoscopes) or if maybe society never taught him to weigh the cost of choosing himself. He often makes the airplane joke “always put on your own oxygen mask first” when I glare at him for doing something for himself before taking care of one of these whining kids. But he’s not wrong. And he’s much more enjoyable to be around when all of his needs have been met. So I actually encourage it, and he encourages the same for me but I typically brush it off. Why? When I know it makes more sense?

I need to add that I am at times a selfish mom. I tell my kids I need a sec to finish something. I look at them with that look that every kid knows is a death trap when they won’t stop screeching and fighting with each other after I told them I need some quiet. I leave the room when I’m about to lose it and tell Dan I’m done for the night. I literally tell my husband I’m tapping out for the night at 6:30 pm sometimes. Not often, but I’ve done it. I know how bad it can get when you’re at your “mom wit’s end.” And I know we need to give ourselves grace. And space. And fucking love.

But each of these scenarios has a cost, mentally, because I overthink these when I’m not feeling super rage-y anymore. I have had low points in motherhood, like anxiety after giving birth and probably some undiagnosed postpartum depression after my first baby. I know how important it is to be at your best. Because I’ve been at my worst, and the last thing I want is for kids to have one of those super “yelly angry strict” moms.

Maybe that’s why I feel like I shouldn’t take time for myself. Or maybe it’s why I know I deserve it. I’ve been through so much as a mom. And the biggest thing is how I know what I need but how well I can talk myself out of giving it to me.

So if you do this, I want to mention that you’re not alone. But also that you’re 100% FUCKING WRONG. You owe it to your kids to give them the best fucking mom. And that mom might be the one who chooses herself sometimes, regardless of the perceived cost.

The best way to do this isto talk about it. To remind yourself that every other mom has felt these same feelings and that you are not feeling them alone. Treat yourself the way you’d treat a new mom. What would you tell her? GET SOME SLEEP you’d say. ACCEPT HELP you’d say. So talk to yourself this way, and maybe we will all change the way moms feel a little at a time.

So instead of factoring in the costs, let’s remember how self-care positively affects your kids. And how not taking it can negatively impact them.

1.) How you are as an adult teaches your children what it means to be an adult. If you aren’t taking care of yourself, they might think that’s the expectation, and perhaps they’ll grow up and do the same, or worse, expect that from their partner. So taking care of yourself is actually HELPING YOUR KIDS.

2.) Delegating tasks to your family members teaches them how to be self-sufficient adults. If you micromanage or just say “I’ll just do it myself” you are actually taking something away from them that they need. They are not too young to clean their room, make their own bed, do the dishes, take out the trash, etc. (I mean, they might be too young literally but I’d say 4 is the big moment).

3.) STOP TREATING YOURSELF LIKE A MAID. Doing everything yourself could lead to RESENTMENT FROM YOUR CHILDREN. They’ll remember your tone, they’ll remember the mood of the house if you literally do everything yourself and are pissed about it. Yes. We still end up doing a lot, some of us more than others, but it’s about HOW. Do we ask for help? Do we explain why everyone should be taking on tasks around the house? I sometimes say “I’m not your maid” and I think this is probably a toxic thing to say and not helpful but it’s something everyone should know. Mom isn’t a maid. If we treat ourselves like a maid, why wouldn’t everyone else?

We got this guys. So take that bath, plan that night away, and pour that extra glass of wine. Crack open that book and just reward yourself, for a moment, for all the amazing work you do every day.