Tips to Avoiding Arguing with Your Kids

My kids, one in particular, but all 3 at some point throughout the day, love to fucking argue with me.

About the shit we literally do EVERY SINGLE DAY. Like, why are we arguing about wearing shoes? We wear them every day. Every day, you end up wearing shoes. WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS?

I’m not a psychologist. I’m not going to dissect why kids need to argue, or why they need to be in control. Because, if I am being totally honest, I too feel the need to argue from time to time.

So, here is how I try to get through these moments without wanting to blow something up.

Grammar police beware: I write these posts as I would speak them, so that is how you should read this.

1.) BE A TEAM

So, your child has come across a problem. What the fuck else is new, am I right? The shoes do not feel great today. Or they hate red all of a sudden. It’s SO frustrating. Because of course you’re running late as it is, right?

“Oh these are fine let’s get moving.” WRONG. This leaves them feeling alone with their problems. They now have to face the fact that they hate their shoes, all by themselves. And not only that, they have to JUSTIFY why, because you aren’t acknowledging it. Yes. It’s ridiculous. But it’s their truth. We all have our own truths.

They need to know you are there to help them solve the problem. Your job is not to force them to do something they don’t want to do (especially not over something like shoes). It’s to show that you are in it with them.

And here is how I think you should approach this:

YOU are just as MAD about this situation as they are.

“Ugh I really didn’t like blue yesterday and I had a blue shirt on. So I just put a sticker on it. And it was sooo much better.” They might think, interesting. Perhaps the tears have slowed.

“We could put a sticker on these shoes!! Which one do you want? Paw patrol?” So not only did you suggest a solution, but you quickly moved to the part where you assume they’ve agreed. So they’ll probably assume they agreed too. After all, you are their everything.

Questions sometimes backfire. They are already stressed. So it can be a little bit of a gamble. If your kid gets stressed with questions you can just rephrase as “this looks like a job for STICKERS.” Maybe add the paw patrol theme song, as I am sure all parents have this memorized if you have been in the parent game for three years or more.

Who cares if there are stickers on the shoes. They’re shoes. And now they know that mommy GETS it, which in turn means that you get THEM. You helped them solved a problem. As a team.

2.) GET ON THEIR LEVEL

We have to remember that these people are not reasonable. They literally believe in a giant animal that brings them chocolate by hopping all over the world. Like. They BELIEVE that. So no. They aren’t gonna be swayed by something as practical as “no we can’t have candy because it’s too early in the morning.” What does too early even mean to them? THEY CAN’T TELL TIME. And furthermore:

THEY SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY. 5pm is also their morning. Like. So no. You have to make it make sense. Not actually make sense, but THEIR make sense.

So you say something like “let me take a look at that treat.” Really examine it. Shoot for that Oscar right now people.

“Oh shoot. This one says ‘car ride only’. If we eat it in the house it may make you turn purple.”

And then we take it over to the front hall, place it on the table, and make big plans to grab it when we go for our ride later.

Now, some of you might be thinking WTF this kid is going to grow up believing the weirdest shit.

But let me remind you: eventually they realize the Easter Bunny isn’t real. And no one mentions any trauma related to that. So I think we’re good here.

3.) TALK ABOUT POOP

This morning, my two year old was super pissed that I wouldn’t let him have chips for breakfast. This happens a lot. The reason he was so pissed is bc some mornings I just give in. So he pushes. I’m not great at consistency. What can I say, I have like 4 personalities. I’m a Gemini for fuck’s sake.

But this morning I just said “omg who pooped all over this door?” And he got SO FUCKING HAPPY. Like. I got this kid a bike for his birthday. His reaction was not even close to how happy he was at the idea that someone had pooped on the door. He talked about tons of different people in his life that could have been the one who did it. We smelled the door. We checked behind the door. It was basically like taking this kid to Disney world. Except disney world was a world in which PEOPLE POOP ON DOORS. Talk about a magical fucking kingdom.

I was able to move him away from the cabinet and into the hallway and finally sneak off to hide the chips. (Out of sight, out of mind, am I right?)

Poop is powerful. Never forget.

This is not fool proof, as kids have a way of remembering things sometimes. I’d give it a 75% success rate, which is better than zero, am I right?

4.) DON'T BE A WINNER

I literally get so irritated with my kid when they have one of those BAD meltdowns, that I sometimes hold a grudge. Do you know what I mean? The ones where you can tell when you look into their eyes that they are GONE. The demon child that lives within them has completely taken over and it truly feels like there’s no end in sight. I feel rage. It makes me want to WIN the next time around. Like oh no you WILL NOT talk to me like that bro, you will not throw all of the markers onto the floor, and I’m gonna prove it. But this is just WRONG. Not bc it doesn’t feel good. But because it simply doesn’t work. Trying to win means that you are not on your kids team (refer to number 1), and this is just not the way to do it. Instead of trying to win, I try:

-Walking away. Not like all huffy puffy. Just walk away quietly. Taking a breath.

-Throw one of your husbands shirts away that is STILL. ON. THE. FLOOR. You know the one that is right next to the laundry basket? Throw it out. It’ll help. It’ll make you feel like you’re sort of winning at something.

-Start telling your demon child an extremely long story. Like just ramble. Believe it or not, rambling is something they understand. “Omg the dog! Outside! He like ran up the tree. Geez. I can’t even find him now. Is he up in the tree? Was it a dog? Is there a bird?” Like literally ramble. But make it interesting. And exciting. This can shake them out of it enough so when they remember they’re mad, they also remember they want a hug. They might even apologize, if they are that way. You know, manipulative.

So, in a way, you have won, but so has your child. You both win, its a win/win.

5.) SET EXPECTATIONS

TBH, I’m not great at this one AT ALL. But I wanted to add it, in hopes that perhaps writing it down will force me to actually follow through with it.

I detest forcing my family to “help me.” I want them to remember to clean up on their own, and more than that, I want them to WANT TO HELP CLEAN UP. So, I complain that I do everything, but I also don’t ask for help nearly enough. Bc, why do I have to ASK, right? It’s an extra step that leads to whining and complaining and most annoyingly, a half assed job that I should have just done myself. So setting expectations and reminders is KEY.

“Okay, on Saturday we are going to clean up the basement.” It’s Tuesday. They will not remember this. Most of them don’t even know which day Saturday is. But they’ll remember basement clean up and Saturday, and the more you remind, the more it will just become their expectation, so they might be mad when its time, but they won’t be COMPLETELY BROKEN HEARTED, like usual.

This is especially key for bed time, reminders it is approaching are key.

Now. We all know this one. This isn’t some new revelation. But it needed to be added.

6.) MAKE THEM A PROJECT MANAGER

My kids want to be grown. They literally say “I can’t wait until I am an adult so I can do whatever I want.” I laugh, because, I haven’t done whatever I want in 9 years, like, what about the last nine years have I made SEEM LIKE I’M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE???

But, that’s okay. They think its fun to be an adult, so let them! Here is my example:

I have given them project management jobs, like Will is in charge of keeping the Tupperware cabinet organized. He uses this to grab bowls for snacks during tv time, so it is obvious to him when it is time to organize it, and he takes this job very seriously. Several times I’ve overheard him mumbling under his breath “who messed this up? I just cleaned it YESTERDAY!” And I laugh and laugh on the inside because that sentence literally describes my life.

Sully is in charge of vacuuming. His vacuum is fake, it doesn’t work, but he takes this job seriously and its a good stepping stone for when he’s older.

Emerson is in charge of throwing the dirty laundry down the laundry chute. When the basket starts to overflow, it’s time, and he loves this job. He doesn’t always remember, but he isn’t mad when I remind him.

7.) NEVER SAY NO

I bet you just laughed incredulously, right? But if you tap into that manipulative side you use with your spouse, you’ll realize it’s semi- possible. Here is what I mean:

Can I have a treat?? (What I want to say is NO ITS 7:45 IN THE DAMN MORNING). What I say:

“Okay let’s have that as our first treat when it’s treat time!” And then,

“That’s a great idea! Put it in your lunch box! What else do you want with lunch?”

Other options:

“Is that the only one we want today? Let’s pick them all and put them in our special treat pile!”

“Oh I love those treats. I cannot wait until treat time. Only 3 more hours!”

“How many treats did you get? Let’s count!”

And finally:

“Fine. You can have it just this one morning!” I mean. I’m not like requesting this but yes, sometimes I do just pick my battles. This is about AVOIDING ARGUING people. Sometimes giving in is the only one that works.

8.) WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS AND YOU PICK THE LAST ONE IN STEP 7

Okay so none of your tricks worked. So you say, sure you can have this treat, if you do (fill in the blank). First go clean the basement! Or have a piece of fruit (I know, I’m obsessed with giving my kids fruit, it’s fine).

Because then no one is losing. You’re not “giving in.” You’re teaching a valuable lesson that there are rewards for doing the right thing. For being productive. And you’re teaching them PATIENCE. Like, they can’t have it this instance, but you also said yes.

9.) HUG GAME

Sometimes my kids can’t calm themselves down. They get so mad, they don’t even want a hug. But you know they really do want a hug, because at the end of the day, we could all use a hug when we are feeling at our worst.

So instead of just trying to hug, we play the hug game. We take turns being the hugger and the receiver. It’s hilarious. For some reason they all laugh and like hug each other as tightly and dramatically as they can. It works best if you’re sitting or lying down on the floor, at their level. And this also works best when there is more than 2 people involved which, in my case, is almost always. But a pet could work, too, or even a favorite stuffed animal or toy.

“Okay who’s turn is it to be the hugger?” And they’ll raise hands, and then they get to pick who they are going to hug (the receiver) and so on and so on. Its basically a distracting tactic, but calling it a game makes it FUN FUN FUN.

I would like conclude this by reminding everyone that sometimes arguments are 100% not avoidable. Kids are absolutely irrational and there's no way you will be able to find a "tip" for every single scenario. But just never forget that we're all dealing with this shit. And also that poop is helpful. love you.